you flash in the fucking pan. you backfire starting up, flat tire on the lonely highway. fireworks that flare up, then die, leaving just twisted grey ash, dissapointment. you always let me down. i dealt with you since i was 16 years old, and you came and took the soul of the boy i loved. i LOVED do you hear?

our whole lives coalesced into one perfect day wrapped warm in the butterfly afternoon of forever and ever.

your blight and damp junkie sweat and soft dick moved in slowly, but with such stealth. changing my child to listless ash, my heart to coal, cold solid, locked away in a carbon chamber.

even now i lock it away. i know it is there by the ticktockthrum, it lives but is not allowed to feel. i could kill it, it has been so abused. it is weak, and easy prey.

you hot bath going cold, you sisyphus with your goddamned boulder, you ripped streetmap to a place that doesn't exist. you scarred me up and broke me, my back and thighs and veins and vessels. i always come back to you.

i have no clue of life without you.

soft furnace of warmth and utter surrender to the universe i love that feeling and i want it even now.

you have always let me down.
i will never let you go.

Happy Birthday Cassidy. age 29 (i think)
photo by Michelle (absinthedreams)
model: me
journal entry July 2004